Instant Diagnoses
Being a student of contemporary American culture for many years I have long speculated on how one might characterize the various luminaries that inhabit the public square. Recently it’s occurred to me that it’s possible to make INSTANT diagnoses for many of them. Usually a word or two does the trick. Occasionally an individual qualifies for multiple diagnoses, in which case they are listed multiple times. In rare cases, deceased personalities have also been included when they are preeminent examples of a given diagnosis.
Donald Trump: narcissist
Hillary Clinton: sociopath
Jimmy Carter: simpleton
Jimmy Carter: pollyanna
Nancy Pelosi: Napoleon syndrome
Chuck Schumer: extended adolescence
Adam Schiff: Parkinson’s dementia
Michael Bloomberg: wimp
Jared Kushner: know it all
Michael Moore: eight weeks of college wasted
Andrew Cuomo: devious
Barack Obama: displaced rage
Barack Obama: Manchurian Candidate
Joe Biden: senile
Joe Biden: pervert
Bernie Sanders: psychotic
Elizabeth Warren: opportunist
Maxine Waters: delusional
Jim Acosta: infantile
Bill Clinton: frat party never stopped
Bill Clinton: sex addict
Elliot Spitzer: sex addict
Jerry Nadler: slow witted
Anthony Weiner: pervert
Bill de Blasio: village idiot
Robert Mueller: hang dog
John Kerry: hang dog
George W. Bush: prankster makes good
George H. W. Bush: more than meets the eye
Ned Lamont: who?
Jim Comey: delusions of grandeur
The late John McCain: loose cannon
Mitt Romney: insane jealousy
Andrew McCabe: strange
Lisa Page: questionable choices
The late Richard Nixon: paranoid
The late Lyndon Johnson: Machiavelli reincarnated.
The late Ronald Reagan: Salvator Mundi
John Brennan: CIA spook
John Brennan: CIA sphinx
James Clapper: forked tongue
Cher: who cares?
Sonny: dead
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: mouthpiece
Ilan Omar: ingrate
Stormy Daniels: STILL hot
Al Sharpton: opportunist, BIG TIME
Jessie Jackson: shuck and jive
Ruth Bader Ginsberg: embalmed
Madonna: unclassifiable
Michelle Obama: mooch
Michele Obama: shameless mooch
Michele Obama: Mike Tyson in drag
SpongeBob SquarePants: in need of girlfriend
Rachel Maddow: in need of intercourse
Rachel Maddow: STRAIGHT intercourse
Tom Brady: in need of NOTHING
Corey Booker: faker
Pete Buttigieg: Alfred E. Newman
Alfred E. Newman: Pete Buttigieg
Roger Stone: in need of life coach
Roger Stone: in need of Perry Mason
Ivanka Trump: needs to correct one out of place hair.
Hunter Biden: in need of petroleum expertise
Jeff Bezos: no more worlds to conquer
Bill Gates: STILL a nerd
The late Steve Jobs: manic depression without the depression.
Megyn Kelly: smarty pants
Megyn Kelly: STILL mad at Trump
Elon Musk: smartest guy in the room
Elon Musk: ANY room
Dr. Ben Carson: smartest guy in the OTHER room.
Justice Kavanaugh accuser Christine Blasey Ford: in need of memory enhancers.
Justice Kavanaugh accuser Deborah Ramirez: in need of 12 Step Program, retroactive.
Justice Kavanaugh accuser Deborah Swetnick: needs to refrain from going to all those gang rapes.
Hawaiian Congresswoman Mazie Horono: in need of primary school education.
Mike Pence: Knight Templar
Sarah Hukabee Sanders: St. George and the dragon.
Mohammed Bin Salman: DON’T tick him off!
Mohammed Bin Salman: crude oil sales
Dr. Mehmet Oz: snake oil sales
Oprah Winfrey: has requested sainthood
Pope Francis: Che Guevara in disguise
Emmanuel Macron: Alfalfa (Little Rascals)
Boris Johnson: needs hair stylist
Vladimir Putin: Darth Vader
Ellen DeGeneres: goody two shoes
Kim Jong-un: currently brain dead
Kim Jong-un’s surgeon: wishes HE were brain dead